The Neverending Storrryyy...o..o..ohh...o..o..ohh..o..o..ohh....

Yes, its been a quiet week….for you?


For me, however, its like Katrina has swept through Singapore! Most of you would know that I had a very special guest visiting the hot, humid and lovely Singapore over the last weekend. Yes it was

MATT!

and in case you’ve missed it,

MATTHEW LYONS!!

It was a rather difficult itinerary to plan for. Firstly, he’s been here many many times and would have done all the touristy stuff. Secondly, he wanted to do some shopping yet most of the shops would be closed due to the Chinese New Year holidays. The only day he could do it was on Saturday. Thirdly, he wanted to go to Little India, now how on earth could I possibly get an oxygen mask during this festive season?

Hang on to your seats as we give you a whirlwind photo tour of Matt’s excellent adventure in Singapore!

Day 1 : Shopping, Shopping and More Shopping
Nothing interesting happened except Matt spent $95 on a shirt, pants and a very nice polo T which I might go and buy for myself…..
Interesting fact ; the lower end clothing chain stores like Bossini and Giordano seemed to have been taken over by Filipino franchisers. I’ve walked into a total of three such shops on Orchard Road and had to resist the temptation to ask “Excuse me, have you penis sweeping the floor?” In fact, I just remembered that the person who signed me up for my mobile plan is also Filipino. So this is the latest updated population structure of Singapore from the most populated to least populated.

1. Indian


2. Mainland Chinese


3. Filipino


4. Singaporean Chinese


5. Malay
6. Assorted ang mohs

Anyways, Matt got whatever he needed on the first day and we finished off the day activities pretty early on. We then met up with David and Lily at Arab Street for some Turkish food which is slightly different from Turkish food in Australia. Whichever is more authentic, I’m not sure. We then did the Sheesha (dunno bout the spelling) which is definitely over rated. You take in a few puffs, you taste the plum and mint flavours, you choke and cough and get a sore throat. Hmmm….I can think of better ways to spend my $12.

Then my glamorous fairy god cousin descended upon us and blessed us with 3 free entries to one of the clubs at Clarke Quay. The free entries equated to $90 worth of savings (cover charge was $30 each).My friend by association David Do Do managed to catch some of the fairy dust that was floating around and was also admitted into this somewhat exclusive club (you’ve got to be someone to be able to pay $30 to a club no one’s ever heard of). Anyways, the night started out pretty staid but descended into mayhem as the drinks flowed. The proceedings had even more ups and downs, twists and turns than an episode of Lost. I will not provide any more details due the personal nature of the incident, but all those who were present must certainly agree that the drama was well worth the $30 (which we didn’t pay).

Then a quiet ride home on the taxi yeah?

Nope. Three of us were queuing up at a makeshift taxi stand when we noticed a long line of taxis waiting to drive up to the exact spot where the queue started. Things could really speed up if the people at the front of the queue would walk a couple of meters to the cabs behind and board them. So we politely asked these two pretty girls in front of us to walk up to the cab so more people could get into cabs quicker. Well, well, some pretty girls should never ever open their mouths!

“What for? Why we want to walk when they can drive up here ha?” Pretty Girl 1 said, struggling to construct her sentences in her inebriated state.

“Yah, that wat they here for what…” Slightly Uglier Girl 2 monkeyed…

The weather was slightly humid, I was slightly drunk and I got slightly angry.

“Just walk up lah, there’s lots of people waiting, let’s speed things up leh” I cooed…..(notice my ocker English which I’ve spent almost a decade cultivating in Australia is slowly giving way to my native tongue)

Then all hell broke loose

“Wah lau eh, why you keep telling us to walk up har? You want to walk, you walk lah? JUST MAKE SURE YOU DON’T FUCKEN GET INTO OUR TAXI AH! I TELL YOU. FUCK! DON’T COME AND KERCHAO (translation : disturb, harass) US CAN OR NOT!”

Jesus Christ……

I kept calm, walked up with Matt and David, and started to open the taxi “that was meant to be theirs” and gave them a lovely smile.
Flames engulfed them. I then walked off to the next cab, got in and waved goodbye to them lovely girls as we zoomed passed. Blurred images of some middle fingers flashed before my eyes.

Happiness is knowing you’ve had the last laugh.
Embarrassment is knowing you have brought yourself down to primary school level behaviour.

Whoa, I’ve written so much! And its only Day 1….maybe I will continue Day 2, 3 and 4 as a separate entry.

No actually, I will soldier on….I wanna break my own record for the longest blog ever…..

Day 2 : Temples, Food and Family

Traditionally, Chinese New Year’s eve is almost as important as the actual day itself. Reunion dinners are held at all Chinese homes across the country where it is mandatory for family members to come together and sit down for a dinner together. This includes prodigal sons who have returned from working overseas (like me) and adopted foreign godsons (like Matt).

The mad rush started from 1 pm on New Year’s Eve when we have to bring the food which mum has prepared since early morning. These will serve as offerings to our ancestors who have passed on because they need to have a party once in a while too. Matt has seen it before but it still never fails to amaze him the trouble the living will go through for their dearly departed. From 10 course dinner offerings, to cigarettes and even beer of a certain brand, the people certainly knew how to pamper their relatives’souls. I’ve grown up with these scenes, so its really nothing fascinating for me, but it was certainly interesting for Matt to see millions of hell notes, paper replicas of mobiles, Prada eyewear, iPods and even Louis Vuitton bags being burnt and “transferred” to the other world. A question I have been often asked is whether all Chinese go to hell, otherwise why are the living always burning them hell notes. I’ve never really gotten an answer, but I presume its because all things are free in heaven, its only in hell you need to bribe your way out of punishment. Because the family members aren’t sure where their ancestors might have gone to, its best to burn them some hell notes just in case its needed. Also, an iPod is needed to muffle out the screams and howls in hell, and a Louis Vuitton bag would never go out of fashion, even in hell.

Welcome to the world of paper

The Chinese have also found a novel way of communicating with the spiritual world. You take two crescent moon shaped wood pieces that is half round with a flat base. You ask a yes/no question and throw these crescents in the air. When a piece lands with the flat base facing up and the other facing down, it means Yes! You could practically ask any questions with these, like whether the 2008 Summer Collection Louis Vuitton bag was the one 2nd Grand Auntie wanted, or if Uncle John liked listening to the best of 1970s on his iPod. But the most important question most people would be asking is whether the souls are done with the food so the humans can all pack up and go home for their dinner…..

And we did pack up, after asking only twice (which isn’t too bad, considered we waited half an hour last year).

After the souls have feasted, its time for the humans to do it. And feasted we did. The perennial joke was for mum to “force” Matt to try the braised mushrooms she made, and the perennial answer Matt would give was a polite no.
*cue canned laughter*
*cue eyeballs rolling*

Nice dinner (as usual), nice drinks, great company. Matt is becoming the darling of the family…..ggrrr….what about me? It isn’t fair, I’ve had enough and I want my share…….

Day 3 :Heat, Queues and that Damned Island!
Now I’ve mentioned that Matt has been to Singapore a fair few times now, but he hasn’t been to the most touristy area of them all. Noting that, me and mum decided to bring him over to Sentosa island and have a look.

Nothing in the world would have prepared us for the scene at Harbourfront MRT station. It was like someone’s thrown gold coins on the streets or something. For its claim to fame for efficiency, Singaporeans can be quite stupid at times. Many exits were shut off (for crowd control so said one of the station wardens…) at the train station and we were herded along like sheep to the next nearest exit (which was stupid and dangerous). I swore if any of us lost our footing, we would have been trampled upon by millions in their desperate attempt to get over to Sentosa island.

There are 4 modes of transport into Sentosa island which we could consider.

1. Shuttle bus. Nope. Queues were too long, would take at least 30 minutes to get onto a bus which only take 5 minutes to cross into the island.
   
2. Monorail. Nope. See above.
   


3. Walk. Not in the fuckin blistering heat.
   


4. Cable car. Nope. Acrophobia. Period.

So the trip was wisely cancelled. If that many people were going into Sentosa, the same people would be queuing up for 25 minutes at each attraction. I have never seen so many Indians in me life. Except maybe in Little India on a Sunday night.

So mum decided to bring Matt to a very famous Chinese temple, where many Chinese would go to offer their well wishes to the Goddess of Mercy during the festive season. When we got there, it was packed as well, and the police had to ration people into the temple batch by batch. Otherwise the temple would well and truly collapse. I'm sure I have a video of this somewhere, will upload once I find it. We did not end up going into the temple, just prayed outside…..

Then we decided to go watch a movie, but when we got there, there were only front row seats left, so we decided against it. Then Matt had a brilliant idea.

“Let’s go to Little India, I want to eat rice on a banana leaf…”

My nose started imploding. Little India is not a kind place to my olfactory senses.

I said yes anyway. Because I care for Matt so much, I wanted him to experience Singapore as a whole, for its good and its bad…smells.

So we trotted down to Little India. And surprise surprise…it wasn’t that bad….The nasal assault I was expecting turned out to be pretty mild. I guess it had a lot to do with the fact that it was in open air, not closed up and air conditioned like a bus or MRT train. As we explored through the little back streets, we came across a strange sight. Its like we were transported back to the 1940s where Indians labourers weren’t allowed into English colonial bars. However, in this case, the bar was actually a backpackers pub loaded with white people. There was an outdoor area which was fenced off and there were tonnes of Indians pressed against the fence, watching something. As we got closer we found that they were watching white people play pool. Looks so interesting I just had to take a photo.

We then found a real nice restaurant and had a fantastic meal there, cost us about $25 including beer, expensive by Singapore standards, but delicious nevertheless. Pity he didn’t get to eat the rice on a banana leaf. We’ll have to leave that for the next trip.
That was it for day 3

As for day 4, I have to quickly summarize as my fingers are well and truly tired by now.

Brought Matt to my workplace. Alas, it was locked up and all we could do was to see it from the outside, much like the Indians from Day 3.
Outside my workplace

Went and watched a depressing movie Rachel Getting Married. I am a sucker for Oscar nominated movies and Anne Hathaway is nominated for Best Actress for this. Never underestimate the power of a depressing film on your mood, especially when it’s our second last day together until a few months later.

Met Lily and David for a Japanese dinner. I was really hungry and ordered a large bowl of curry noodles. I am proud to admit that I finished it all by myself.

Then we went home and had a glass of wine with mum.

That was the conclusion of Matt’s Excellent Adventure in Singapore.

He just flew off a few hours ago.

My room is strangely silent.