Thursday, December 28, 2006

Classic Bon Bon Jokes

I'm swear there must be a Bon Bon Jokes Committee that congregate in a small village in Greenland every year to come up with these classic jokes. Only two stuck to my mind this year, but I assure you there are a lot worse ones out there.
Q : "Why did the pig learn karate ?"
A : "So he could pork chop!"
HAHAHAHEEHEEHEE........
Q : "Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?"
A : "So he could be polyunsaturated!"
MUAHAHAHHAHHEHEEEEHEE.........
So very sad.......
Don't you just hate train door blockers? I was getting off at Mascot station today and this 3 guys were standing right at the door like they've just been frozen by Medusa or something. I said "XXXXCUUSSEE MEEE!" but I think I must have said it too loudly (or too rudely) because everyone on the train started looking at me funny. Bloody ingrates in suits! I cleared the door for them and they looked at me like I'm some uncouth butcher from the west!
May their Prada shoes get caught in the platform gap one day!
May they drown in their scaldingly hot Gloria Jeans Chai lattes!
May they choke on Christmas ham next year while reading one of these bad jokes!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Jungle Balls, Jungle Balls, Tingle All The Way!

What the hell??? ZERO Comments for the last post???!!

Ok, I realised it might have been a little bit boring, but I found it quite difficult to try to to squeeze 19 days of indescribable excitement and happiness into a 10 minute blog entry...so forgive me if I've bored youse all!

Its that time of the year again, frantic Christmas shopping and stressing about getting that perfect gift for someone, gorging on delicious heart stopping saturated fats, protein and carbs, wishing and hoping that bitchy evil colleague of yours get drunk at the corporate Christmas party while you take wonderful pictures of her on her knees in the male toilet cubicles....ah...pure Christmas bliss.....

Since I am as religious as a hooker in Kings Cross, Christmas is just another holiday for me every year. Until I met Matt. Since I started living with Matt, I have been invited to their family Christmas gathering every year. I know how some people dread going to their "in laws" for Christmas, but I love going to Matt's for many reasons. First and foremost, I get to spend some time with Matt, without his mobile ringing every 5 seconds with offers of coffee, lunch or drinks at the pub. Even though strictly speaking I am not really alone with Matt, I feel like I'm spending a lot more personal time with him, which is hard to come by living in the city. Secondly, his relatives are a really funny lot, and I never feel out of place. Aunties asking me about my work, uncles asking me about Chinese New Year (which I told them was a Chinese version of Christmas, a time of family gatherings and excessive feasting) and cousins telling me how bad the last Robbie Williams concert was....it did help that there were mountains of food waiting to be stored in my super elastic stomach. At my last count, I have consumed 2,650,456,358 kJ on Christmas day.

Since coming back after the Europe trip, I've struggled to re-adjust to life in Sydney . While it was great that I had to stop over in Singapore for my brother's wedding, but with each passing year, I found it increasingly difficult to leave Singapore. No matter how I plan my days in Singapore, there is never enough time to catch up with friends and family, especially my immediate family ; mum, Ben, Pat and new sister in law Tricia. Many times I've had to sacrifice some of my friends' catchups so that I can get together with my family more. This year it was great that Matt had difficulties getting onto a flight to London and had to stop over in Singapore for one night. Mum met Matt 2 years ago and Mum was especially proud that she could communicate with Matt, a Caucasian, despite her limited knowledge of the English language. When I told mum Matt was coming over to stay for a night, she immediately jumped off her seat to make the bed for him, grabbing a bottle of wine along the way to place prominently on the dinner table. You see, Matt and mum go back a long way, and it was their tradition to share a bottle of wine whenever they got together. Mum loves her wine, but I suspect she loves showing off her English to Matt more. Ben has been really good as well, sacrificing a lot of his free time to go shopping with me, getting me some major discounts for clothes and paying stuff for me first using his credit card when I ran out of Singapore dollars. One thing he did touched me very much, he took one of the pants I bought in Singapore for length alterations, but my regular seamstress was away. Ben ran around with my pants looking for one, finally found one, demanded the tailor do the alterations within that hour, while Ben sat and waited for it. I hate people fussing over me because I like exerting my independence, but my family have truly shown their love and care for me each and everytime I go back home.

What made leaving Singapore more difficult this year was that Mum's foot was acting up, and she has difficulty walking once she sits down for a while. Of course, she reckons that she's got more pressing issues like her weight (I can tell you she is no where near fat, but her supermodel mind thinks otherwise), but I worry that the pain in her foot will be a hindrance to her social and work life. Mum loves going out dancing and bits of shopping here and there, and a crook foot's not gonna be much help. She also works part time twice a week, it keeps her mind and body active, and I am worried that she might not be able to work due to the pain and start having negative thoughts about growing old and useless etc etc... I tried to force her to see a doctor with me on my last day in Singapore so I could hear from the doctor what was actually going on, but she refused. The reason? She wanted to cook dinner for me before I leave for Sydney and she wouldn't be able to spare time for both, so she chose not to see the doc. So you can imagine how great I must feel having that homecooked dinner, then picking up my luggage and just leaving her to her own devices....
Matt's been great through all this difficult and moody times I've been having since coming back from Singapore. There are days when I just feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions, happy and estatic one minute, down and irrititable the next. On many occasions I had to suppress a lot of my post Singapore depression as friends gathered round to celebrate our return, and it was a huge struggle. On one hand, you know your friends have good intentions in wanting to catch up. On the other hand, I needed to spend some one on one time with Matt to let out my "bad" feelings, otherwise the rollercoaster emotions are gonna to stay with me for a long time. Matt is sometimes caught in the middle, for example he would have promised friends to go out for a drink or catchup, and I didn't want to stop him because of my problems. While he is out there, my thoughts sometimes overwhelms me, resulting in me having a really foul mood, and he is often at the receiving end of my verbal diarrhea that night or the next day. For that, I am truly sorry, but his support is the only thing that's been keeping me sane the last few weeks. Don't know what I've done in my past life to deserve him, but I know I must have done something right.
I guess life's what you make out of it. This Europe trip has really opened up my eyes to what lies beyond Australia and Singapore. I know we've only seen these places from a tourist perception, but many times Matt and I imagined what it would be like to work in that part of the world for a few years. Well, dreams will always remain dreams until we make it a reality. We said last year we wanted to go for a major trip together and we did. So if we set our minds to it, I don't see why we wouldn't be able to achieve the dream of working overseas too. Matt absolutely loves New York and he reckons I would too. Who knows, we could be living and working there in a few years time. I will also be looking at working in Singapore in a few years time so that I can spend more time with Mum (she hinted at me going back to work for a while). Matt's looking into that part of the world as well. Because Matt's been so Singaporean-ised by me, I can just picture me and him with Mum meeting up on weekends for dinners at hawker centres followed by wine sessions at home....
See what Christmas does to me? Its those darn Christmas carols that bring on these melodramatics.
Have a great Christmas everyone and please cherish those around you that you love.
Merry Christmas
2006

Friday, December 15, 2006

Must See & Must Dos

Instead of preaching to you guys our tour day by day, we have decided to do a countdown for all the highlights of our tour and maybe you guys can use this as a guide when visiting these places.

Starting from
Number 5 : Brighton Beach
45 minutes from Victoria Station

Beautiful beautiful place, even during winter. Ok, its not like Bondi Beach, but it does pretty well for boring London! Didn't take us long to get there, nice comfortable train ride. When we got there, we just loved it! Nice little town with little shop shop houses lining the streets, small little roads all leading down to the beach....very much like Newtown except its not that dirty....The beach was beautiful, but the strange thing about it is that there was no soft flowy sand. It was all little rounded pebbles instead. The beach had 2 jetties extending far out into the sea. One of the jetties is completed, the other still work in progress. I've heard heaps about the beach parties they have during summer, where tens of thousands of Londoners and tourists descend upon the beach for longs days and nights of partying. Fatboy Slim, a famous DJ lives near there in Hove and these parties are probably legendary because of him. We then walked up to North and South Brighton lanes where there are beautiful little shops just waiting to be explored. Our only regret was that we had to watch Chicago that night and didn't get to spend more time there, but it is definitely on our list of places we want to come back to again and spend a few nights.





Number 4 : Roman Bath in Bath (near London, not Rome!)

Another beautiful beautiful place in a beautiful beautiful town. Bath is a town about 2 hours (I think!) out of London, which we went to on a day trip. In the olden days, when the Romans had their empire stretched throughout Europe, and Bath was one of the towns they possessed. Of course, the Romans had to build something their to show off their superiority and decided on building a bath where men can congregate and wash themselves naked in full view of other men...hmmm....origins of all male saunas.....

Number 3 : Gondola Serenade in Venice

Yes, its very touristy and bodering on cheesy, but anyone who goes to Venice must try it. We took the shorter 45 minute private Gondola ride and it set us back by about 80 Euros, which wasn't as bad as I thought. The gondolier took us through little waterlanes and did as much explaining as he could with his limited English. Good thing they just had a major cleanup of their canals so it wasn't that bad. It was amazing watching the gondoliers squeeze 2 to 3 gondolas through a small waterway. Gondolas are purely for tourists nowaday, most people in Venice either walk to work or take the water bus, which can get really, really crowded.


Number 2 : Basilica di Sant Pietro and Cappella Sistina in Vaticano (Vatican City)

I am known to be quite unreligious but visiting these sites was more to do with appreciating the glorious artifacts and amazing architecture that has been around for ages. When we walked into St Peter's Basilica, our mouths just dropped (doesn't happen very often in a place of religious worship) in amazement at the enormity of the facade. Everything was so big, you could be easily engulfed by the beauty of it all. If I'm not wrong, all the Popes who have passed on are buried on the grounds. I had a shock when I saw people taking photos of what appeared to be the embalmed body of a previous Pope, and I thought that was so fucking disrespectful. Then I found out later that it was actually a marble cast of the Pope in his casket and that is the tombstone. I was so amazed by the fineness of their workmanship because every wrinkle on his face and every fold in his robes were cast using marble. No words can describe that, not even photos. You just have to see it for yourself.

The Sistine Chapel is located about 15 minutes away from St Peter's Basilica. We were so glad that we planned our trip during this off peak season. We've heard that during peak season, people sometimes had to queue for 2 hours to get into the Vatican Museum, which houses the Sistine Chapel. We only took half an hour. It was still crowded, and we lost each other but had to proceed because the Sistine Chapel was open only to 2pm and we only had 1 half hours to explore that. What happens is you will get herded along like sheep through the Museum and finally end up in the Sistine Chapel. Wall and ceiling paintings are what we've come to see in the Sistine Chapel and again, they were exceedingly beautiful, depicting the Genesis and creation of Adam to the Last Supper and resurrection of Christ. The paintings were done by many artistes but the most famous using and abused in many advertising campaigns was the Last Judgement by Michaelangelo. Truly inspiring! We weren't supposed to take any photos within the Sistine Chapel, but we managed to a sneak a few in...hehhe.....its our touristic right!













And now.....Number 1 : Shakespeare and Company in Paris

You must be crazy, Martyn! All the beautiful places in Europe you've gone to and you choose a small English bookshop in Paris as your number 1 must see place??!!!!

Now before you get too excited, allow me to explain.
Shakespeare and Company is located on 37 Rue de la Bucherie opposite Notre Dame on the Left Bank near the Latin Quarter. At first, when Matt wanted to go there, I was sceptical because I know how fanatic Matt is with bookshops. However, Matt has read a book about this famous bookstore in Paris with a 97 year old owner who invites guests up for tea to discuss writing and other stuff. So I got bundled along for the ride. When we entered the bookshop, you truly become surrounded by books, all stacked up to the ceiling with no apparent system whatsoever. However, when some people asked for certain titles, the store assistants were able to find them! Must somehow work for them to have their books arranged this way. The feeling the bookshop gave me was that you wanted to pick a book up to read. I am not so much of an instore reader, you know, browsing and spending hours reading a book in a store. I'd much rather curl up in bed at home with my book. However, I was amazed that I spent about 2 half hours there, just browsing through the wide variety of books they have there, talking to other people about the books they recommend etc...it was such a refreshing change of pace from our hectic holiday schedule to be able to relax and enjoy other booklovers' company. We were then invited up to the founder's lounge room for tea. George is somewhat an icon in the literacy circles because of this bookshop. He gives people lodging in exchange of a few hours of work within the bookshop. Many famous writers have used the bookshop as a retreat while they did their writing. Of course, the premises wasn't a four star hotel, but the inspirational environment it provides is not something you can find anywhere else. There we were, 8 people cramped up into his lounge room, with George seemingly in a happy mood, greeting me with a Chinese greeting. He told us to walk into his room to look at his photos and other stuff.And guess what I did? My huge backpack hit one of his coffee cups, sending it splashing all over the floor! I was so embarassed!George didn't look angry and still continued serving us tea, but he did not come out to chat with us. I sure hope it wasn't be cause of me! He did mention to one of the assistants that there were not enough girls among the group, hahahha!!! 97 and still horny! Gotta give respect to this guy, a bit artsy-weird and cranky, but nevertheless still a legend!



Thursday, December 14, 2006

I'm Back!!!

Hi Fans,

I've heard that people have been checking the site everyday for updates, and were suicidal when they did not see any....Don't worry guys, I'm still fine and OK.

Excuses for not blogging
  1. It was just quite difficult to blog from overseas, you know, just more in the mood for going around seeing and doing stuff rather than getting stuck in an expensive internet cafe (8 Euros an hour = AUD $12.80) blogging for the gratification of my devoted fans.
  2. In Singapore, I was too caught up with catching up with friends and family, my brother's wedding and boosting Singapore's economy i.e. shopping. It was too fucking hot and humid to do anything else.
  3. I wanted to keep everyone in suspence and slowly release bits of information to build up the climax of my return. It was great coming back to Sydney airport to be sniffed at by a dog at 7:15am in the morning, to be searched and questioned about my holiday, to have my excellent smoked goat's cheese from Amsterdam confiscated, and finally to walk out into a big crowd of other people's friends and relatives picking them up from the airport, while i slowly trudge along with my 21.6 kg backpack towards the train station to catch a train back to work (that was all I could afford after the trip, no classy taxi rides for me). Thanks, fans......
So, I'm back now and raring to go, so expecta few updates over the next few weeks....