Aunt Agony - Home & Away Special

Many times in my life, I have been wrongly accused of not showing enough commitment to a quinessentially Australian drama. In doing so, my allegiance to this country has been strongly questioned, because what happens on Home & Away is exactly what would happen in a day to day life of an ordinary Australian. And because I do not appear to embrace the values embodied by the show, I cease to be a real person. I have now seen the error of my ways. While I would not go as far as to put the Home & Away theme song as my ringtone to show my appreciation, I will instead to offer some advice to the many of the colourful characters that has left an impression on me.

Dear Aunt Agony,

I've recently separated from my husband of 2 months. I am not trying to do an Elizabeth Taylor here but I just couldn't stand him anymore. When he first rode into town, I was so mesmerised by his good looks that I didn't mind that he was quite daff. Then when he joind the police force, I was sold. I love having sex with men in uniform. We got together and I tried to force him to marry me, but he wouldn't! Thanks to the stalker and a few other deranged characters in Summer Bay, the explosions and catastrophes finally drove him into my arms. But he spends to much time at work and with that bitch Kelly. I never get to see his uniform anymore and I had to separate from him. And once I wasn't around, he got into something stupid and lost both his legs. Then I had to put on a show and give him some blood to "save" him. I wasn't about to get nothing out of that so I slept with his best friend. Oh Aunty....am I being too hard on him?

Love,
Martha






Dear Martha,

Don't worry about you being too hard on him. The important thing is was he always hard for you? Start a swingers club in Summer Bay. I think all you want is to do is still be able to sleep around while you are married. Get his best friend in as a shareholder too.

Dear Aunty Agony

Ever since I moved into Summer Bay about a year ago, I have never had a day of peace. Believer me, I am a self respecting, decent young mother who wants nothing more than to lead a normal life. I never look for trouble, but trouble always manages to find me. I recently overheard Colleen calling me Slut of the Century, and I was extremely hurt by that comment. True, I have slept with a few people in the Bay, namely Dan, my ex-husband, his brother Peter, and Peter's son, Drew. Oppss, I also had a fling with Robbie's grand-dad, Can't even remember his name now, but I was only trying to emulate my idol, Anna Nicole, whom I became good friends with during my acting sojourn to LA. Oh god, maybe I shouldn't....don't want my son to die on me......Anyway, back to my my conquests...ahem, experiences with men, I was trying to study age versus experience, and let me tell ya, energy and ferocity decreases exponentially
with age....Now tell me Aunty Agony, is there anything wrong with me....

Yours sincerely,
Amanda







Amanda, Amanda, Amanda,

You remind me a lot of myself when I was younger, except for your looseness. I was very in control and knew what I wanted. However, I think you might have overstayed your welcome in Summer Bay. It may be time to go. Plus, you are running out of men to sleep with. Who's next? Alf?

Aunty Agony?

What the flamin' hell's going on here??!!! Stone the flamin' crows! I think you're gonna have a real busy time here given that more than half the people here have more problems than the whole of Afghanistan! Flamin' gallah! You are such a dag, Aunty Agony, strike me roan a proper raw prawn of a sheila, will ya? What's that got to do with the price of eggs in China, you ask? Fair suck of the flamin' saveloys Ails! Now why don't you pack your bags and get out of my flamin' town, you filthy mongrel!

Mr Alf Stewart

Ohhh...Alf....

You're a real man's man...so rough...soo sexy....I like......

Dear Aunt Agony,

I'm tired of having always to reappear whenever the ratings go down...I'm running out of money to make more bombs, its not like I get a raise whenever I reappear to shake up the town! I want to die!!! Please let me die.......

The Stalker

Dear Stalker,

Oh..no..no..no...you're not getting away that easily...you are scheduled for 2 more appearances before the end of the year and 8 more next year...we might also need you to make a couple of special appearances during Channel 10's Biggest Loser season, so hang on in there, ok?

For the birthday boy/man/duchess......

HAIRPI BURFDEY FIRMAN!!!

Ok babe, this is probably the cheapest present you have ever recieved. But we are gonna give it to you anyway.....its from me and Matt ok?

" Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind, you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you with-hold the "ay".
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are borned and shared, with joy that is unclaimed.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountains to the climber is clearer from the plain.

And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and the sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."

Kahlil Gibran

Mahjong Fingernails, Red Wine

Just called my mum today, and boy, so much has been happening back home.....

Lady Luck must be smiling at my mum cos she struck lottery last week. There is this unique lottery system in Singapore called 4 D, which is basically 4 digits. You think of 4 digits and buy either a large or small bet for it. Every Saturday and Sunday, the 1st, 2nd and 3rd prize are drawn followed by 10 starter and consolation prizes. I remember when I was younger, the adults would force us to copy down the numbers being read out through a radio service called Rediffusion. No internet checks then...... I don't play it a lot but I think if you buy a large bet, you are eligible for the starter and consolation prizes, but if you had just placed a small bet, you can only claim for top three prizes. I've never had much luck with them, but Mum actually placed a $10 bet last week and got back $1500. Apparently she bought my brother's apartment's door number, but she made a mistake and put in the wrong number, and luckily that was the number that came out!!! So lucky....

Speaking of gambling, I got pretty lucky myself 2 weeks back. I put in $2 into a poker machine and got $20 out of it! Apparently, I had selected 10 credits per line instead of 1, and because of that, my win was multiplied by 10, so I would have won $2 if I didn't make that mistake! HAha!!

Never been a fan of pokies, don't understand how some people can sit in front of the machine and feed it money for 2 to 3 hours. Must be because of the free coffee and spring rolls.......

Anyway, back to my mum. She was telling me today how much classier her mahjong sessions have become. Now for the uninitiated, mahjong is an Asian gambling game involving a big set of ivory tiles printed with pictures of birds, circles, sticks and other assorted animals. The rules are quite complicated, but once you master it, it is a very enjoyable game with a fair amount of skill involved, compared to something really simple, like BlackJack. Its a pity that that there are a lot of chinese characters on it, otherwise I would be able to get my Aussie friends to learn it....Mahjong also brings back a lot of childhood memories for me. I remembered when the kiddies used to build houses and pyramids with the tiles while our aunties and uncles had a break for their meals.

So recently mum started bringing wine to her mahjong sessions, and in the process, introducing a touch of class to the event.Singapore does not have a social history of drinking wine, firstly because it was not accessible to the general public i.e. fucking expensive and reserved only for people with money to burn, and secondly, it has an acquired taste (to most Singaporeans who are used to Tiger beer and whiskeys). That was why I was so obsessed with wine when I first got here, and I couldn't believe you could get a nice bottle of wine for about $15. An equivalent bottle would cost 3 times as much in Singapore. However, the last few years has seen an influx of wine imports into Singapore and many have been distributed to the NTUCs (Singapore's equivalent of Coles/Woolies) so people in the suburbs can buy them easily. Still expensive though. Anyway, Mum brought a Lindemann's Cab Merlot to the session and her friends all sat around to taste and discuss the wine!!! Damn! My mum's starting her own wine appreciation club! She'll probably know more about wine than me in a couple of years time.

I wonder if she's trying to get her friends all tipsy so she can win money....good game plan Mum!

Who's Your Dahhhllliinnggg!!!!!????

Words used to describe Jeanne Little's voice.

1. Chainsaw
2. Truck driver
3. Australia's most famous voice
4. Strident
5. Gravelly
   

I've always been a fan of Jeanne since I came over to Australia. She's just so zany and one of a kind anti-celebrity on daytime TV. I remembered being in uni at that time and had certain days where I don't have any classes in the afternoon. I must admit I was actually obsessed with that show, and often rushed home from uni or planned my lunchtime around the show. Which was pretty surprising because most of daytime TV are shit anyway...well, maybe except Jerry Springer (loved the one where the daughter of this guy was sleeping with his truck driver buddy's gay lover.....WAHHH!!!)

She was ridiculously funny, and struck me as someone that didn't take things too seriously. Well, if she believed half of the things that came out of her mouth to be real, there must be something seriously wrong with her. Her dresses are always over the top. One particular one she wore on Beauty that stuck in my mind was the blouse where she had a parrot sitting on her shoulder. She's a straight woman wearing only what drag queens can get away with. I've also heard about her bin liner dresses although I've yet to see her in one myself.....unless that red dress in the pics are made from bin liners.

She also keeps us updated with world events through her extensive reading of News of The World. http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/

And I love her voice....I know, its grating, but I love it!!!!

As you can tell from the pictures, we did buy her book. Matt's started on it. I will soon.

I think I'm having blogger block today....words are not flowing....thoughts are not forthcoming...
Doesn't help when I'm having a bloody sore throat which is becoming a cough...

I promise a better entry next time. And I really loved the positive comments left on my last blog entry.

" I see that although you claim to like home grown Austrlaian TV there is no mention of Home & Away. Must I speak with you again about your lack of commitment "

Erm....I think I know who you are, Nena Gong!

" Go back to the gym Fat boy! "

While I was initially taken aback by the frankness and viciousness of this comment, I understood that my loyal fans were merely trying to toughen me up and prepare me for the real celebrity world of New Idea, NW, Famous and Australian Womens' Weekly.....

Till my next blog....sniff...sniff.....

TV Comes Alive Again!!!

For the last 3 months, I have successfully divorced myself from all TV programs. I've recently downgraded my Foxtel and since then, I've barely had the interest to even turn on the TV. Which is contradictory given that I am paying so much per month to get more variety on TV. I've never really been a fan of all the big hyped up shows, preferring more home-grown Aussie dramas and comedies. So it's safe to say that I'd never get lost in Grey's anatomy and end up becoming a housewife desperate to break out of prison.

I think my interest for TV died after they screened Da Kath and Kim Code. Kath and Kim should be the only reason why TV exist. I heard they are gonna Americo-Bastardise it (like what they did with The Office, Coupling etc...), and I hope they never ever show in in Australia!!!

However, in recent days, the TV listings have began to cause a stir in my loins again.....I've sat through almost 28 hours of TV to bring you this no holds barred, non channel sponsored reviews.....

Jamie's Kitchen, Ten

I am losing interest in this program...I had such high hopes for it!!!! I loved the British version, but this Aussie version is so BBBoOORRiinNGg!!!! Tobie Puttnock, Jamie Oliver's rep here for Australia's Fifteen restaurant is too damn nice! He does not have one iota of Jamie's edge or his sarcastic humour, and is just plain uninspiring...the kids are alright though, most of them have enough problems to be on the show....It's strange isn't it, that during the auditions, a lot of people got rejected cos they were too good to be on the show. They must have left the auditions thinking "Damn, I should have fucked up my life more..."

Thank God You're Here, Ten

I love this show!!! Absolutely brilliant!!! My favourite was the one with the car crashing through the 2nd floor apartment....Just please don't ask FiFi Box back....she'll give Tobie a run for his money...And in what is becoming a very irritating habit, host Shane Bourne must stop throwing his hands around when he ushers us into a break, its driving me nuts!!!!

Dancing With D-List Stars, Channel 7

" celebrity n 1: a widely known person"

Questionable choices

1. Arianne Caoili - Public aggression inducing internationally renowned chest player?
2. Fiona Faulkiner - World class weight loss champion inspiring millions of impressionable schoolgirls that thin in in?
3. Tom Waterhouse - Horse hung?

I've about had enough of celebrity shows....and Daryl Sommers....

Rome, Channel 9

"This program is rated MA. It contains realistic violence, sex scenes, nudity, adult themes and is recommended for viewing by mature audiences"

Nice..........

Fashion House, Channel W (yes, yes, its a women's cable channel)

Just started yesterday!!! There's something magical about watching 2 grown women bitch slapping and pulling each other's hair out. I declare this the Melrose Place, or maybe more like Models, Inc of 2006. Its format is somewhat like a night time soap. There's a new 45 minute episode screening every Monday to Friday, and it goes on for thirteen weeks. Only in the 2nd episode and there's already 5 sex scenes, 4 catty exchanges, 1 blackmail, 1 adultery and 230 bad lines. Its one of those shows where its so bad that you love it. Brings me back to those days in Singapore when I'm addicted to the TCS drama series and will actually rush home to watch it. Helps when everyone (including the extras) look downright gorgeous.

And what about Survivor : Battle of the Racists and my favourite reality program of the moment, America's Next Top Model, all starting this week.....

I think I'm gonna be a very busy boy.....