Aunt Agony - Home & Away Special

Many times in my life, I have been wrongly accused of not showing enough commitment to a quinessentially Australian drama. In doing so, my allegiance to this country has been strongly questioned, because what happens on Home & Away is exactly what would happen in a day to day life of an ordinary Australian. And because I do not appear to embrace the values embodied by the show, I cease to be a real person. I have now seen the error of my ways. While I would not go as far as to put the Home & Away theme song as my ringtone to show my appreciation, I will instead to offer some advice to the many of the colourful characters that has left an impression on me.

Dear Aunt Agony,

I've recently separated from my husband of 2 months. I am not trying to do an Elizabeth Taylor here but I just couldn't stand him anymore. When he first rode into town, I was so mesmerised by his good looks that I didn't mind that he was quite daff. Then when he joind the police force, I was sold. I love having sex with men in uniform. We got together and I tried to force him to marry me, but he wouldn't! Thanks to the stalker and a few other deranged characters in Summer Bay, the explosions and catastrophes finally drove him into my arms. But he spends to much time at work and with that bitch Kelly. I never get to see his uniform anymore and I had to separate from him. And once I wasn't around, he got into something stupid and lost both his legs. Then I had to put on a show and give him some blood to "save" him. I wasn't about to get nothing out of that so I slept with his best friend. Oh Aunty....am I being too hard on him?

Love,
Martha






Dear Martha,

Don't worry about you being too hard on him. The important thing is was he always hard for you? Start a swingers club in Summer Bay. I think all you want is to do is still be able to sleep around while you are married. Get his best friend in as a shareholder too.

Dear Aunty Agony

Ever since I moved into Summer Bay about a year ago, I have never had a day of peace. Believer me, I am a self respecting, decent young mother who wants nothing more than to lead a normal life. I never look for trouble, but trouble always manages to find me. I recently overheard Colleen calling me Slut of the Century, and I was extremely hurt by that comment. True, I have slept with a few people in the Bay, namely Dan, my ex-husband, his brother Peter, and Peter's son, Drew. Oppss, I also had a fling with Robbie's grand-dad, Can't even remember his name now, but I was only trying to emulate my idol, Anna Nicole, whom I became good friends with during my acting sojourn to LA. Oh god, maybe I shouldn't....don't want my son to die on me......Anyway, back to my my conquests...ahem, experiences with men, I was trying to study age versus experience, and let me tell ya, energy and ferocity decreases exponentially
with age....Now tell me Aunty Agony, is there anything wrong with me....

Yours sincerely,
Amanda







Amanda, Amanda, Amanda,

You remind me a lot of myself when I was younger, except for your looseness. I was very in control and knew what I wanted. However, I think you might have overstayed your welcome in Summer Bay. It may be time to go. Plus, you are running out of men to sleep with. Who's next? Alf?

Aunty Agony?

What the flamin' hell's going on here??!!! Stone the flamin' crows! I think you're gonna have a real busy time here given that more than half the people here have more problems than the whole of Afghanistan! Flamin' gallah! You are such a dag, Aunty Agony, strike me roan a proper raw prawn of a sheila, will ya? What's that got to do with the price of eggs in China, you ask? Fair suck of the flamin' saveloys Ails! Now why don't you pack your bags and get out of my flamin' town, you filthy mongrel!

Mr Alf Stewart

Ohhh...Alf....

You're a real man's man...so rough...soo sexy....I like......

Dear Aunt Agony,

I'm tired of having always to reappear whenever the ratings go down...I'm running out of money to make more bombs, its not like I get a raise whenever I reappear to shake up the town! I want to die!!! Please let me die.......

The Stalker

Dear Stalker,

Oh..no..no..no...you're not getting away that easily...you are scheduled for 2 more appearances before the end of the year and 8 more next year...we might also need you to make a couple of special appearances during Channel 10's Biggest Loser season, so hang on in there, ok?