Friends Part 1 : Annie Penny

Annie Penny

Annie Penny has been residing in Singapore for about 15 years now. I knew her from one of Matty's friends who now lives in Melbourne. She was inconspiciously introduced to us one Thursday night when the Melbourne friend was visiting Singapore for work. That night, I wasn't in the most sociable mood and then this matured lady friend of theirs was thrust into our consciousness. However, in a drastic turn of events, I kid you not, in a matter of 15 minutes, we were chatting like we've known each other for 15 years. Annie is of Danish descent, working here in Singapore as an English teacher, has the coolest ever shophouse as home and a crazy personality to match. Looking at her, I can't believe I have a friend who's probably only 5 years younger than my mum . You know sometimes how you meet someone and immediately you know they will be friends for life. Annie is one of these friends. From her seemingly award winning house decorations to her wise cracking adnedotes, Annie is one crazy auntie I will treasure for a long long time.

Weekends cannot be more perfect than catching up with Annie at her apartment. Even if you only bring 1 bottle of wine, the evening will always turn out fantastic, with fascinating chats, movie screenings of all possible genres and 1 shot of Annie's Poison which will render you unconscious for the next day (I cannot reveal what Annie's Poison is, you have to experience it for yourself). If there is only one reason why I would keep her as a friend, its the amazing pesto that she makes which she serves up on a regular basis with country styled bread toasted to perfection.

Thank you Annie for being my friend and keeping my mind in constant motion.

I Stand Corrected a.k.a Retribution

ok, ok, after my "controversial" (as one of my commentators put it) post last week, I found myself at the receiving end of what I thought was a good idea to just speak your mind.

I attended a conference yesterday in all of my well suited debonair looks. I was after all, in the midst of some very important people and thought that I should look the part. So out came my Japanese cut suit which only sees light of day for those very special occasions. With a splatter of hair gel on my head and a misty spray of Cool Water eau de cologne, I was so positively reeking of self confidence and charm I was sure I would set off the fire alarms the minute I walk into the conference hall. The morning session went well, the talks were good and I was networking my way to presidency.

Then came lunch and it was all downhill from there. It was a standing buffet lunch and the food was so so. What really mattered in that 1 hour was the number of people I could give out my name card to. Whilst eating at one of the standing tables with my boss, a young petite lady joined us at the table. Customary exchanges were made and I found out she was working for a major Japanese restaurant chain in Singapore. But when she started speaking, she sounded more like she worked for a slaughterhouse. In fact, it was my boss who started the chain of events leading to my loss of ego.

Boss : "I'm gonna have get some coffee, you want some tea Martyn?"

Me : "No, I'm ok?"

Boss : "Why? You always have tea in the office...."

Me : "Nah, not today. I'm wearing a suit and if I have anything hotter than my body temperature, I'm liable to break out in sweat!hahah!"

Slaughterhouse Lass : "Oh, why? I'm actually finding it quite cold here..."

Boss : " He is different, his body temperature is probably 10oC higher than an average person."

Slaughterhouse Lass : "Oh I know your kind. I have friends like that. And I think that's why he has so little hair on his head....And you seem to be having the same problem!"

"Problem...problem...problem...problem...." those words resonated at a thousand decibels in my mind.....I felt like all my 64 buttons on me were being pushed at the same time...

Me : " Well, I blame my parents for that!"(which of course you smart readers would understand I was referring to the hereditary nature of my thinning hairline)

Slaughterhouse lass : " Oh why! You shouldn't blame your parents. They gave birth to you!"

Boss : "......"

Slaughterhouse lass : "Hey, there's my friend! Cheng, come over here! What was that hair regrowth product you were using that was really good?

It was at this point that I felt my temperatures rising and the selective hearing walls closing up my ears.

This was all I got out of my next 15 minutes of conversation with her.

"and..of course.....you.....ok....he...good...bye.."

Good, my selective hearing ear walls are still in good working condition.

So, honesty may not necessarily be the best policy.....

Lifting The Veil of Political Correctness

You know how since we were young, we've been conditioned on how to behave, what to speak and when to speak it? With rules piling upon us each year we are growing up, its no wonder why people are finding it more frustrating having to live within these rules, with tolerance level going down and fuses lit whenever someone does or says something that they are not supposed to.

What if there was a day when we can have political correctness thrown out the window? When people can say what they really think and not get into trouble for it? When people learn to be tolerant of others and their views? Whatever's been said, are, afterall, only words. Its your mind and your reaction that makes the words mean more than they really should...

This is how my day of un-political correctness would pan out...

Scenario : Getting the lift down with my neighbour and her daughter.

What I would say : "Its shitty having to go to work huh? Not that we have much of a choice, need the money to pay for housing and food. You're lucky, you have a daughter, if you really get into dire straits, she would work as a social escort and solve all your money issues. Me, pfftt..nothing..would sell my ass if it wasn't illegal in this country!"

Scenario : Squeezing into the trains on way to work

What I would say : "Hey you Indians, you should be in the last carriage with the cattle. This carriage is for Singaporeans. And auntie, stop staring at me because I accidentally brushed my hand against your bum. If there was you and a goat left in this universe, I would still go for the goat. And sweaty tall guy, you should invest in some deodorant and consider holding the pole at a lower position."

Scenario : Female colleagues chatting about their bargains they've gotten from some sale last week.

What I would say : "How much did you say you saved on that skirt? Really? I love it! It really accentuates your bum. It now looks as big as it should. I cannot stand people who hide their real self behind their clothes."

Scenario : Boss giving some suggestions on certain projects.

What I would say : "What bullshit are you suggesting? Do you even know what we are doing here? Please go read up on the project before getting your grimy little fingers in my pie!"

Scenario : Plus size colleague beginning to eat a double big Mac with up sized cheese fries and Coke.

What I would say : " I could get a heart attack just looking at that meal..."

See? Don't you already feel more tolerant just reading about the possibilities this un-PC day could bring should it come to fruition?

Sudden Repulsion

This is gonna be a short one.

Don't know why but am in a foul foul mood this evening. Questions keep popping up in my head.

• What am I doing here?


• Why can't I walk away from my work, spending half my weekends on silly projects that never seem to materialise?


• When is this fucking cough and sore throat going away?


• Why are people in the trains rooted to that one single position? Will death ensue if they move their trunks just 5 cm further in?


• Why hasn't Matt called?


• Why has my nephew, who is usually such an angel, decide that he wanted to test his operatic lungs the minute he entered our house today?


• Why am I here enduring this stoopid weather when I should be in Syndey enjoying 23 deg afternoons in the park?


• Why do I have to work tomorrow?


• Why is the shopping centre so fucking crowded, and when will Singaporeans ever learn to walk in straight lines?


• Why is my work notebook so heavy?


• When will this failing body allow me to step into the gym again?


• Where is this headache coming from?


• Why does the train smell like curry?

I am so so exhausted...I just wanna leave....